Since I’m currently working part-time, I’ve had time to reflect on my past 23 years of existence. For the most part they’ve been, as a good friend of mine would say, “medium.” Maybe even “medium rare” (how I like my burgers). I’ve traveled through Europe, graduated from college, met cool people everywhere I went, drank a lot of beer, and am finally seeing a Mets team that had the potential to win a World Series title!
Of course, shitty stuff has happened too; that’s why life is “medium.” The bad things that happen in one’s life are supposed to help balance out the good. If you don’t believe me, watch Inside Out, it will change your life or make you cry. But throughout the good, the bad, the ugly, medium, and other stuff in between, there has been a lot in my life I haven’t done. You know, culturally identifying things that make you truly “American” or a “millennial” or a “basic white girl.” So, here’s a list of some of those basic unaccomplished stuff:
- Eat a Big Mac
This example received the most heated response from friends when I shared this as an example of something I hadn’t done: From my cousin/editor saying, “WAIT! YOU HAVEN’T EVER HAD A BIG MAC?” to my friend who was supposed to help me break my Big Mac virginity saying, “Jesus. Eat a Big Mac.”
Apparently not having done this means I’m not even American. I mean the Big Mac is the Holy Grail of fast food. It’s the original artery clogger. Trying fast food sandwiches hasn’t been a priority. So, will I ever have a Big Mac? Since I feel like it’s going to be an anticlimactic experience, I’ll probably keep putting it off.
- Watched an Episode of Seinfeld
I’m Jewish, so I do feel ashamed by this one. I mean a Jewish kid from New York who hasn’t seen Seinfeld. Now what’s the deal with that? That’s a thing that Jerry says, right? Also, it’s not on Netflix, so am I ever going to watch a pre-VEEP Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Yes, if it gets on Netflix because I’m not paying for Hulu.
- Tipped a Cow
I went to school in the Midwest, so I feel like this is something I should’ve done. Maybe that’s an awful stereotype of Midwesterners, but I’ve seen so many cartoons of people tipping cows and shirts in the Indianapolis Airport promoting this—I feel like it was an essential part of the Midwest experience I missed out on. Two of my best college friends were vegans, so there’s my excuse. Oh, and apparently it may not even be real.
- Been to a Warehouse Party
Just because I grew up in an upper middle class suburb of New York City and I’m a millennial white girl, it doesn’t mean that my life is like an episode of “Girls” (even though I am overweight like Hannah and have been self-conscious about it my entire life). Side note: I have never done crack and never want to. Okay, Mom?
- Drank a Pumpkin Spice Latte
Again, just because I’m a white girl, doesn’t mean I have to be “basic.” Plus, I don’t like pumpkin. Sorry not sorry fall.
- Drank a Vodka Cranberry
For the last fucking time: yes, I am white. Yes, I identify as female. I know vodka is the white girls liquor and that cranberry juice is good for when your Aunt Flow comes to visit, but that doesn’t mean I have to drink vodka cranberries all the time. Though, I’d probably like it. Eh, I’ll try one eventually.
- Been in a Relationship
This one may be surprising. I mean, I have a sparkling personality, a lust for life and adventure, and I like sharing pizza with people. That’s what makes someone a good partner, right? Well, the biggest reason as to why I haven’t been in a relationship is that I’m afraid of intimacy. People suck and can’t be trusted. The other reason is the time commitment needed to make a relationship work. I’m an independent woman. I don’t like my schedule messed with. Maybe that’s selfish, but at least I’ve never had my heart broken (haha suckers). Also, love is something Hallmark made up to sell cards. Fuck capitalism and caring about people!
- Done Something Crazy on New Year’s Eve
I’m already probably going to get hammered, so why mix being drunk with doing something incredibly stupid and maybe dangerous? I mean I’m not even that dumb.
There are a lot of things I haven’t done, but that’s because I’m 23 years old. Life isn’t like a photo scavenger hunt where you get a certain amount of points for doing certain things by a certain age (though that would be kind of cool). Point is, life is unpredictable and unscripted. Maybe that sounds cliche, but it’s true. I’ve never been the type of person to follow the status quo, so why should my life reflect something that is not me? It shouldn’t, but it’s important to note that I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had thus far. I guess this article has a moral like your favorite children’s books: “Don’t be afraid to experience new things, because you never know what you’ll learn. Especially from biting into a Big Mac.”
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